Progressive Christmas Carols
[00:00.97] We wish you happy holidays
[00:03.08] Whoever you may be
[00:05.74] So Merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah
[00:08.94] Or heck, all three
[00:10.79] We've modernized these jingles for the massive bourgeoisie
[00:15.57] Love, The Updated Christmas Carol Team
[00:22.48] Oh, you'd better not judge, you'd better not hate
[00:25.93] You better not bully or discriminate
[00:28.85] Progressive Santa's coming to town
[00:33.64] He's making a list of gluten-free foods
[00:37.09] He won't take a peek at J-Law's nudes
[00:39.47] Progressive Santa's coming to town
[00:44.79] He's 50 different races
[00:47.19] And all for tax reform
[00:49.85] He'll protect all your children
[00:52.49] Well, as long as they've been born
[00:55.14] You'd better watch out--
[00:57.54] Too far?
[00:58.34] Okay
[00:59.67] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer (reindeer)
[01:02.05] Had an advantageous nose (he outlived his friends)
[01:04.44] He passed his bright red traits on (traits on)
[01:07.37] Darwin said that's how it goes (evolution's not a theory)
[01:10.03] Mary did you know
[01:12.16] That your baby boy
[01:15.08] Supports the NRA?
[01:18.26] Mary did you know
[01:20.66] That your baby boy
[01:23.31] Is white?
[01:26.80] Did you know--
[01:28.41] Deck the halls with kujichagulia
[01:31.59] Kwa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wanza
[01:34.24] Give zawadi, hang benderas
[01:36.91] Kwa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wanza
[01:39.83] Throw your hands up in the air-a--
[01:42.48] You're a green one, Mr. Grinch
[01:45.93] You're lacking in finesse
[01:49.66] That greenish epidermis determines your success
[01:53.37] Mr. Grinch
[01:56.03] Racist Whos constrain you to the issues they continue to suppress
[02:03.19] You're an outlier, Mr. Grinch
[02:07.44] You give the Whos a fright
[02:10.64] They say your heart is 3/5ths normal
[02:13.02] You're either wrong or white, Mr. Grinch
[02:17.27] Don't walk the streets of Whoville
[02:18.61] You might fight a cop the Whos will not indict
[02:26.04] I'm dreaming
[02:28.96] Of a racially ambiguous holiday
[02:32.68] Away in a manger with Jesus and crew
[02:37.20] His schmeckle got cut 'cause hey Christ was a Jew
[02:41.71] O holy night
[02:45.43] The stars are brightly shining
[02:49.68] It is the night Jesus did something holy
[02:56.06] (I don't know the whole story)
[02:57.65] Joseph watched golf (right?)
[03:01.10] His leather chair reclining
[03:05.88] As Mary birthed a child
[03:08.54] I think a donkey was involved
[03:12.52] (Need help here...God?)
[03:14.38] Three wise men came
[03:17.84] With GPS they found Him
[03:22.36] Christ lied in a barn
[03:25.27] As His omniscient baby daddy tucked Him in
[03:29.52] Jesus crawled on his knees
[03:37.23] His mom shared it on Snapchat
[03:44.40] O bright device
[03:56.36] O night when Christ celebrated Christmas
