The kids

[00:00.84] And everyone should get along

[00:04.57] Okay, children, quiet down, quiet down

[00:07.48] Children, I'd like to introduce our new substitute teacher for the day

[00:11.73] His name is Mr. Shady

[00:14.10] Children, quiet down please

[00:15.96] Brian, don't throw that (Shut up!)

[00:18.35] Mr. Shady will be your new substitute while Mr. Kaniff is out with pneumonia (He's got AIDS!)

[00:22.51] Good luck, Mr. Shady!

[00:24.37] Hi there, little boys and girls! (Fuck you!)

[00:25.97] Today we're gonna learn how to poison squirrels

[00:28.36] But first, I'd like you to meet my friend Bob (Huh?)

[00:30.42] Say hi, Bob ("Hi, Bob!")

[00:31.75] Bob's thirty and still lives with his mom

[00:33.61] And he don't got a job 'cause Bob sits at home and smokes pot

[00:36.27] But his twelve-year-old brother looks up to him an awful lot

[00:38.92] And Bob likes to hang out at the local waffle spot

[00:41.32] And wait in the parking lot for waitresses off the clock

[00:44.24] When it's late and the lot gets dark and fake like he walks his dog

[00:46.89] Drag 'em in the woods and go straight to the chopping block (Ahh!)

[00:49.55] And even if they escaped and they got the cops

[00:52.21] The ladies would all be so afraid, they would drop the charge

[00:54.60] 'Til one night Mrs. Stacey went off the job

[00:57.52] When she felt someone grab her whole face and said not to talk

[01:00.18] But Stacey knew it was Bob and said, "Knock it off!"

[01:02.83] But Bob wouldn't knock it off, 'cause he's crazy and off his rocker

[01:05.49] Crazier than Slim Shady is off the vodka

[01:07.88] You couldn't even take him to Dre's to get Bob a doctor

[01:10.80] He grabbed Stace by the legs as he chopped it off her

[01:13.19] And dropped her off in the lake for the cops to find her

[01:16.38] But ever since the day Stacey went off to wander

[01:18.50] They never found her, and Bob still hangs at the waffle diner

[01:21.16] And that's the story of Bob and his marijuana

[01:23.81] And what it might do to you

[01:25.06] So see if the squirrels want it—it's bad for you

[01:27.19] See, children, drugs are bad (Come on)

[01:29.31] And if you don't believe me, ask your dad (You can ask)

[01:31.70] And if you don't believe him, ask your mom (That's right)

[01:34.36] She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (She will)

[01:37.02] So kids, say no to drugs (That's right)

[01:39.67] So you don't act like everyone else does (Uh-huh)

[01:42.59] And there's really nothin' else to say (Sing along)

[01:45.25] Drugs are just bad, mmkay?

[01:47.91] My penis is the size of a peanut, have you seen it?

[01:50.03] Fuck no, you ain't seen it! It's the size of a peanut! (Huh?)

[01:52.95] Speakin' of peanuts, you know what else is bad for squirrels?

[01:55.61] Ecstasy is the worst drug in the world

[01:58.00] If someone ever offers it to you, don't do it

[02:00.66] Kids, two hits'll probably drain all your spinal fluid

[02:03.05] And spinal fluid is final, you won't get it back

[02:05.70] So don't get attached, it'll attack every bone in your back

[02:08.10] Meet Zach: twenty-one years old

[02:10.49] After hangin' out with some friends at a frat party, he gets bold

[02:13.67] And decides to try five when he's bribed by five guys

[02:16.33] And peer pressure will win every time you try to fight it

[02:18.99] Suddenly, he starts to convulse

[02:21.11] And his pulse goes into hyperdrive

[02:22.39] And his eyes roll back in his skull (Blblblblblb)

[02:24.51] His back starts to look like the McDonald's Arches

[02:26.90] He's on Donald's carpet, layin' horizontal, barfin' (Bleh)

[02:29.56] And everyone in the apartment starts laughin' at him

[02:32.22] "Hey Adam, Zach is a jackass, look at him!"

[02:34.87] 'Cause they took it too, so they think it's funny

[02:37.00] So they're laughing at basically nothing

[02:38.54] Except maybe wasting their money

[02:40.13] Meanwhile, Zach's in a coma, the action is over

[02:42.79] And his back and his shoulders hunched up like he's practicin' yoga

[02:45.44] And that's the story of Zach, the ecstasy maniac

[02:48.34] So don't even feed that to squirrels, class, 'cause it's bad for you

[02:50.99] See, children, drugs are bad (That's right)

[02:53.65] And if you don't believe me, ask your dad (That's right)

[02:56.04] And if you don't believe him, ask your mom (You can)

[02:58.70] She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (She will)

[03:01.35] So kids, say no to drugs (Smoke crack)

[03:04.27] So you don't act like everyone else does (That's right)

[03:06.67] And there's really nothin' else to say (Right on)

[03:09.32] Drugs are just bad, mmkay?

[03:11.71] And last but not least, one of the most humongous

[03:14.37] Problems among young people today is fungus

[03:17.29] It grows from cow manure; they pick it out, wipe it off, bag it up

[03:20.18] And you put it right in your mouth and chew it

[03:22.31] Yum-yum! Then you start to see some dumb stuff

[03:24.70] And everything slows down when you eat some of 'em

[03:27.62] And sometimes, you see things that aren't there (Like what?)

[03:30.01] Like fat women in G-strings with orange hair

[03:32.66] (Mr. Shady, what's a G-string?) It's yarn, Claire

[03:35.54] Women stick 'em up their behinds, go out and wear 'em (Huh?)

[03:37.93] And if you swallow too much of the magic mushrooms

[03:40.32] Whoops, did I say 'magic mushrooms?' I meant fungus

[03:43.24] Your tongue gets all swole up like a cow's tongue

[03:46.16] (How come?) 'Cause it comes from a cow's dung (Gross!)

[03:49.08] See, drugs are bad, it's a common fact

[03:50.68] But your mom and dad know that's all that I'm good at (Eh?)

[03:53.60] But don't be me, 'cause if you grow up and you go and OD

[03:56.25] They're gonna come for me, and I'ma have to grow a goatee

[03:59.18] And get a disguise and hide, 'cause it'll be my fault

[04:01.57] So don't do drugs, and do exactly as I don't, 'cause I'm bad for you

[04:04.99] See, children, drugs are bad (Uh-huh)

[04:07.38] And if you don't believe me, ask your dad (Put that down!)

[04:09.77] And if you don't believe him, ask your mom (You can ask)

[04:12.69] She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (And she will)

[04:15.08] So kids, say no to drugs (Say no)

[04:17.74] So you don't act like everyone else does (Like I do)

[04:20.40] And there's really nothin' else to say (That's right)

[04:23.32] Drugs are just bad, mmkay?

[04:25.71] Come on, children, clap along! (Shut up!)

[04:29.16] Sing along, children! (Suck my motherfuckin' dick!)

[04:30.75] Come on, clap along

[04:31.82] Drugs are just bad, drugs are just bad (South Park is gonna sue me!)

[04:36.86] So don't do drugs! (Kiss my motherfuckin' ass!)

[04:38.72] So there'll be more for me (Hippie! Goddamn it!)

[04:42.71] (Mushrooms killed Kenny!)

[04:46.16] (Uh, the fart button's on) (*fart*) (Ew, ahh!)

[04:50.95] La la la (So fucked up right now)